I think from birth started the path of “Enough” for me. Thinking I was and had been abandoned lead me down the road of tell myself I’m Not good enough to keep, not smart enough, not talented enough, not pretty enough, funny enough I think the list goes on and on.
Starting with the belief that my birth mother didn’t want me so she put me up for adoption.
No one ever told me that except for maybe kids at school a few times. I will learn 46 years later that was not the case.
My birth father didn’t want me so I felt abandoned by him. My adopted father left my mother and me when I was under two years old. There it is again. I was married in my very early 20’s and he left after a few years. It was a Merry go round that left me felling not good enough and abandoned.
I have always been worried about people leaving me. Whether it was someone who worked for me that I really liked and then they left for another job, I could get really mad in my younger years. Friends who you were close with but then something happened and I would feel bad and worried that I would be abandoned by them. It’s always been easier for me to walk way then it has been to think of someone leaving me. I had someone tell me wow when you are done you are done. Yes, this is true. This worry about people leaving can be a trait of some adopted children I have learned. I am working on that as everyone is on their own journey including ME.
Now that I have done a lot of work and know better, when I think of my birth parents, my adopted father or first husband I was NOT abandoned by them they were on THIER own JOURNEY to find their way in life.
Trust me if I go down a rabbit hole and self-pity sinks in, I very easily can go back to a place of abandonment.
In the book Journey of the Adopted Self Betty Jean Lifton says.
One part is chosen the other abandoned.
The mother who relinquishes her baby for adoption, for whatever reason, does not perceive it as an act of abandonment, but rather as a way of giving the child a better life than she can offer. She is opting for what the Romans called “the curse for chance “The chance to make up for a hapless birth.
But the baby, vulnerable and helpless, is not ready to start gambling on chance. It wants its own mother, and can only perceive of her disappearance as an abandonment. This sense of abandonment and mystery about origins will shape a child’s life.
Always remember you are Not Abandoned. If someone left you it was them trying to find their own way, go on their journey to find their happiness, peace and joy.
I wish you love, peace and joy. You are not alone you always have yourself!